Tag: father/daughter (Page 1 of 3)

Clover Season

Nonfiction by Sarah Banks

Backing my car out of the driveway on an early March morning, I spot a single clover pushing through the dirt beneath my mailbox. I’m not surprised. Spring in Mississippi, a two-month interlude between the wet chill of winter and summer’s heavy heat, arrives before the vernal equinox. The air, tinged with humidity, feels cool this morning, though it will warm to the seventies by the afternoon.

When I see clover, my thoughts turn to the elementary school I attended, its play yard covered in emerald, three-lobed leaves each spring. Sometimes, this memory flashes through my mind then quickly disappears. Other times, like this morning, the recollection lingers, my mind holding it in place during my drive to work. Either way, clover conjures an image of that terra cotta brick building with windows lining the classroom walls.


During recess, while my classmates jumped rope and swung on the monkey bars, I would walk out into the field of clover. I’d squint to see where the end of the seemingly infinite, green expanse met the sidewalk. The leaflets rested against the ground, reminding me of a deep green quilt stitched to the earth. The flowers, tiny white pompoms, dotted the lawn. When wind moved across the yard, the clover shivered.

I would slip my feet out of my shoes, resting them atop the soft, springy clover. My hands inevitably burrowed into the green carpet, thumbs resting on leaflets. They felt soft, delicate—easy to tear. Each one held a small, crescent-shaped marking near the center.

In our classroom’s encyclopedia, I’d read that clover seeds can hibernate in the soil for decades, and I wondered if these had grown from seeds buried in the earth before I was born.

I’d often lay on the clover quilt and gaze up at the sky, imagining myself elsewhere. On those days, the sun hovered high, only a few clouds feathering the soft blue expanse. With no trees nearby, the sky opened wide, stretching so far it seemed to continue past the horizon.


By the end of April, the weed covers my entire front lawn. I’m nostalgic when it comes to clover. I won’t disturb it myself, but each week, my yardman mows it down with his lawnmower, allowing the Bermuda grass to show its spikes. By the end of each week, however, clover once again carpets the yard a deep green. It scatters its flowers across the lawn, daring the yardman to cut them down.

I’m unaware that clover can be invasive until my father mentions it.

“Clover will spread as far as you let it,” he says as we stand outside, surveying the yard. “I can spray it with weed killer if you want. That way, the grass won’t die.”

“Maybe.” My eyes drift toward my neighbor’s yard. She’s already complained about the redbud petals that fell from my tree onto her lawn, so I know she’ll object if the clover creeps into her property. Still, I’m reluctant to eliminate it. “Let me think about it.”


One time after school, I stood in the kitchen in front of my mother and held out my hand. In my palm, I cupped the four-leaf clover I had discovered during recess. The encyclopedia stated that the appearance of four leaves, a genetic mutation, occurs in one in 5,000 clovers. Despite my odds, I’d continued my quest to find one, sifting through the clover each day until I found treasure.

“How can we keep it safe?” I asked my mother.

“That’s easy. Watch this.”

She laid the clover between two sheets of parchment paper, then tucked it between the pages of the worn, hardback dictionary she’d used in college.

“Don’t worry.” She gave a warm smile, her eyes earnest. “I’ll hide it on a shelf in my closet.”

In the years that followed, I would sometimes ask her to open the book. I needed to confirm the four leaves still existed, proof that the clover had chosen to entrust me with its secret. Over time it dried, curling at the edges and fading to a muted green, yet the leaves remained attached to the stem.


In mid-May, I stand on my porch, imagining the clover spreading without interference. A smile tugs at my lips until my gaze moves to my neighbor’s lawn, where the clover inches toward her property line. I glance at the redbud standing against my fence, some of its branches—meant to spill over into her yard—cut to blunt nubs by her shears.

A few days later, I call my father.

“Get rid of the clover.”

I feel guilty for transferring the task to my aging father, but I can’t be responsible.


Weeks later, before I leave for work, I stand on my front porch and gaze at my lawn. After consistent treatment, the clover has disappeared, eradicated by the weed killer. I lift my eyes to the pale blue sky dome. The sun edges above the horizon, and the crowns of the pines appear as silhouettes against the pink-gold light blazing on the skyline.

Backing out of the driveway, I see zinnia shoots peeking through the earth beneath the mailbox where the single clover once grew. Soon, pink and yellow puffs will fill the flowerbed, but I am certain the clover will return next spring. And if it threatens to spread into my neighbor’s yard, I know my father, for as long as he can, will be the one to spray it.


Sarah Banks is a nurse living in Mississippi. Her poetry appears in Rust + Moth, South Florida Poetry Journal, Thimble, Autumn Sky Poetry, and elsewhere. Her fiction has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize and appears in Flash Fiction Magazine, Bright Flash Literary Review, and Fiction on the Web.

Dear Dad

Nonfiction by Leslie Lisbona

Dear Dad,
I wonder if you are still 85. Although I’m not sure that’s the age you would want to be for eternity.

I have vague and sweet memories of you in your early 40s. I would wait for you to come home from work. It was the last thing I got to do before going to bed. You would squat down, open your arms, and hug me. I was so excited I could barely stand it. And I made you laugh, mixing up my French and English by telling you, “You are piquey.” Your face was too rough, and I should have said, “Ca pique.” But you knew what I meant, and your laugh felt like a rumble in my chest.

You had your own store by then, Ripley’s, right near the Park Avenue entrance to Grand Central. Ripley’s was small, the walls crammed with electronic equipment. It had a stool that you propped me up on while you and Mom shared a cigarette over my head and murmured to each other in French and Arabic.

Or maybe you are 50 years old. I remember your 50th birthday because I was 10. Debi and I went out to get you a card and a Carvel cake in your brand new car. Debi swung her long hair back as she reversed too fast. We hit a pillar in the garage of our building and the car was totaled.

Or you might be 60. That is when you had Spectra on Madison Avenue, still small but bigger than Ripley’s. Sometimes if Mom asked you for money, you would say, “I don’t have a penny.” I remember feeling confused, not knowing if we were on the brink of financial ruin.

A bit later you had the first of your open-heart surgeries. That was when I realized I could lose you.

I wonder if you and Mom are together again? I wonder what ages you are – maybe you are both in your 60s, even though you died 15 years after she did. Mom wouldn’t like that you married Nina. Debi slipped your wedding ring off your finger in the funeral home. She didn’t want Mom to see it, especially because you never wore one in all the years you were married to her.

Do you remember the trouble you gave me when I finally moved out? I loved my first apartment, on Eighth Avenue and 53rd. I had Aaron then but not yet Oliver. I still saw you every Friday night for a movie, and once a week you double-parked on 6th Avenue near my office and I would hop into the elevator, pressing the lobby button over and over because I couldn’t wait to see you. Sometimes I teased you and said, “Aren’t you glad you had me?” and you would laugh and laugh. Once you knocked on my apartment door at 7am with bagels and coffee. I knew you were missing me. I felt like crying, which made it hard to swallow my bite of bagel. After we ate, I got ready to go to work and you went home to Queens, alone.

Do you know that I am 61 years old and that I haven’t set eyes on you in almost two decades?

Now we live in a different house that reminds me of our house in Queens. We have a dog named Rhoda. Val lost his father a few years ago. We have started traveling together, just the two of us, and it is wonderful. Aaron is 28 and engaged to be married; Oliver is 25 with a serious girlfriend. They work virtually, from home.

This is new: You can work from home now.

I wish I had had that option. I ached for Aaron and Oliver while I was in my glass office in midtown.

Here are some things that have happened since you left:

We sold the Queens house a few months after your death.

Nina died a few years after you did.

Debi and Dorian are grandparents. Debi goes by Nonna like your mom, and Dorian goes by Gido like you. The three of us are close, talking to each other all day long.

Congestion Pricing: You have to pay $9 to drive into the city. It turned out to be a good thing – less traffic and fewer pedestrian deaths.

Electric cars: I have one. I can turn on the heat from my phone before I get in the car. I have a charger in my garage. We are not far from self-driving cars. Actually, I think mine can do it, but I’m not sure how.

I miss you iktir, a lot, especially when something really good happens and maybe an inch more when something awful happens.

Here is a good thing: I stopped working in a bank and now I am a dreamer like you.

Here is a bad thing: October 7. The attack nearly destroyed my family life and the whole world turned against us. I needed you so much then, Dad.

Even though parenting wasn’t your thing, you turned out to be a good parent to us when Mom died. I’m glad you and I had the chance to get close, to get to know each other, to enjoy time together: all those Friday night movies, a few Broadway shows, just you and me. Imagine that.

I love you,
Lozay


Aside from The Bluebird Word, Leslie Lisbona‘s work has appeared in numerous journals and magazines such as The Queens Review, Synchronized Chaos, JMWW, Smoky Blue Literary & Arts Magazine, and Welter. She was also featured in the Style section of The New York Times. She is the child of immigrants from Beirut, Lebanon, and grew up in Queens, NY. You can find her online at leslielisbona.substack.com

My Father’s Love Letters

Poetry by Laurie Miller

Cleaning out my mother’s apartment after her death.
So many things will be thrown away or donated.
I have no room for anything, even though I want everything.

I want to hold objects that might not mean much, but I’ll know
She once touched them, and they meant something to her.

I walk through the apartment, opening closets and drawers.
In the hallway cabinet, I see what I assume is a photo album
Or a scrapbook.
I drag it out and sit on the couch.

On the front page is a handwritten list in faded blue ink in
my mother’s elegant and meticulous handwriting.
#1, then the date, beginning in 1942.
The list goes on to over 300 entries.

She numbered letters. So many letters. All of them are from my father.

My parents met on a blind date.
My mother was 26, considered “old” to still be single. Almost a spinster.
My father was 31 and in the army.
Sparks flew, as did my dad, when he reported to the Army a few weeks later.
Landing in Oklahoma.

I opened Letter #1 and blushed.
My father was telling my mother that he’d rather be making love to her
than be in Oklahoma.

My dad????
I knew they loved each other, but
I rarely saw them hug or kiss.

I couldn’t stop reading.
I was witnessing their courtship.
Well, at least his side of it.
He told her when he went to the movies on the base.
He loved movies and would say when one was “swell.”
Or a “bomb.”

He told her when he went dancing at the USO.
He was a superb dancer, adept at the foxtrot, Lindy Hop or a waltz,
and would have a “swell” time.
But none of the girls held a candle to my mom.

He was such a romantic!
He’d tell her he’d been a “good boy.”

He’d tell her when he went to a Sabbath dinner or Passover Seder.
He and the other Jewish soldiers were treated differently by the other soldiers
And citizens in Oklahoma.
He tried to ignore it and keep his faith.

He went overseas and kept on writing.
The anti-Semitism among the troops got worse.
Nothing “swell” to report, except
counting the days until he could return home to “his girl.”

A year after he returned home in 1945, my parents were married.

I took the album home, and over several weeks I read every letter
I put them in order in acid-free sleeves.

I wanted my son to read them. He would learn about the
Grandpa he never knew,
as I learned about the father I loved and missed so much.

The movie buff. The charming dancer. The man of faith. The wonderful writer. The man who was smitten by the girl back home, and stayed smitten for 47 years until his last breath.

He was really swell.


Laurie Miller recently retired after 30 years as a grant writer, raising funds for foster care advocacy, the arts, and college access. Her work appeared in Vestal Review and Purrseverance: Inspiring Stories of Cat Resilience and Hope. Laurie lives in California with her husband and senior pets Ruby and Snickers.

The Gift of Your Voice

Nonfiction by Stephanie Shafran

[Trigger warning: contains reference to suicide]

Hello children, this is Daddy. Have you been good children while I’ve been away? I hope so. I just got off the big airplane after flying in the sky, all the way from Florida to New York. First the plane climbed up and up into the clouds and after a while it straightened out and zoomed along faster than you can imagine. Then it dropped slowly down and down until safely landing and letting all the passengers climb down a ladder and walk into the airport. That’s where I am right now, and I miss you both so much. I’m coming home tomorrow and can’t wait to hug and kiss you hello.

Muted for sixty years, your voice comes alive for the first time tonight, on this self-recorded “Voice-o-graph.” No gift could ever top this one.

You recorded this message at the airport, on your way back home from a business trip in Florida. Were you homesick? In the middle of the small record, a label, in your handwriting, reads: 11-16-54, New York arr from Melbourne Beach Florida, To Stephy & Lee.

I’d have my fourth birthday in a month. Lee had recently turned seven.

You’d end your life just six and a half years later.


Stephanie Shafran retired from a long career as Spanish teacher and school counselor. Her writing has appeared in journals such as Earth’s Daughters, Slant, Persimmon Tree, The Bluebird Word, and The Sun; in anthologies such as Ophelia’s Mom, by Nina Shandler, Ed.D. Stephanie published a chapbook Awakening in 2020.


Editor’s Note: September is Suicide Prevention Month. Resources are available through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and also on the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). Raise awareness, reduce the stigma, and encourage action to help others.

Learning to Drive

Nonfiction by Dr. Nancy J Rennert

Daddy picked me up outside my cousin’s apartment building in New York City for the drive home to Long Island. Our car crawled in the rush-hour traffic.

As darkness approached, Daddy weaved back and forth over the line separating the driving lanes, his neck craned toward the windshield, eyes darting back and forth. His left foot came off the recently installed left gas pedal as he depressed the brake, then returned to the gas pedal. His right artificial leg, no longer attached to his body, was splayed on the front seat between us.

“I can’t see the lines…”, he said, his shoulders sagging. His advancing diabetes was slowly eroding his eyesight.

“I’m pulling over. You drive.”

At seventeen, I’d passed the written test to get my learner’s permit. I could stop at a stop sign, make a right turn and drive slowly on local streets with my instructor in the car. I wasn’t legally allowed to drive in New York City with my learner’s permit.

“But, Daddy, I can’t drive legally without…” I began.

Daddy interrupted by wrenching the steering wheel to the right. The car careened off the highway and then skidded to a stop, on the shoulder.

I tried to breathe, my heart’s lub dubs pounding against my chest. Usually, I accepted a challenge, but this was so risky. I knew we could get hurt, even die. I wanted to run away fast and disappear. But there was nowhere to go.

“You have to drive. I’ll talk you through it.” Daddy said. I heaved myself out of the front seat and watched as Daddy slid his right stump into the artificial leg. I didn’t want to drive but he was already out of the driver’s seat. He leaned on the car door with all his weight, stood and then hobbled around the front hood, holding on until he reached the passenger side door. I held him under his arm so he could ease down into the passenger seat.

Daddy had diabetes for as long as I can remember. About five years before the drive, he started to gradually lose his eyesight. Six months before the drive, when an infection took his right leg below the knee, my mother, my three brothers, and I visited him in the rehabilitation hospital and it was the first time I saw him cry.

After a few months of physical therapy, he walked with the artificial leg, and then he wanted to drive. A gas pedal was installed to the left of the brake in his car, which he operated with his remaining foot. The right pedal still worked in case someone else needed to drive his car.

The two gas pedals scared me. I’d never driven on a highway, let alone in a car with two gas pedals. Still, I moved the seat forward, adjusted the side and rearview mirrors and checked the dashboard, just like in driver’s ed class. Engine off, I moved my right foot from the right accelerator to the brake for practice. I kept my left foot as far away from the extra gas pedal as I could.

“Start the engine, and put on the left turn signal,” Daddy said.

Can he hear my heart pounding against my chest?

“Look for an opening, then give it some gas and get into the right lane. Keep your eye on the white line and follow it.” Hands trembling, I put the left turn signal on, but there was no opening to merge.

“I’ll tell you when… I’ll say NOW and then you turn the steering wheel to the left slightly and push on the gas pedal. You can do it – you have to – ease your way in.”

I gripped the steering wheel; my body hunched, and my jaws clenched.

“NOW” he said. I pressed on the accelerator and edged the car into traffic.

“Damn yes!” Daddy said.

On the drive, Daddy repeated “You can do it” so many times, I began to believe it. A shot of adrenaline surged through my body, recharging me. I focused intensely on the road, concentrating on following the lane lines, as honking cars whooshed past us.

“Just drive slow if you want. Who cares if they honk at you. Screw ’em,” Daddy advised. The next passerby gave me the finger. Same to you buddy! Get out of my way, I thought.

I’m driving!

When we neared home, the traffic let up, and Daddy began to tell jokes, which I had heard before, but they still made me smile. The one about his friend who was pleased with his new hearing aid. Dad asked, “What kind is it?” and the friend replied, “about 11:30.” Daddy also had some great one liners! If someone repeated a story, he would say “This is where I came in.” – and that was that. Conversation over. Humor was his way of coping, his shield against adversity.

About twenty minutes later, I parked the car in our driveway and stumbled out of the driver’s seat. Exhausted and triumphant. We had made it home. “I knew you could do it”, Daddy said softly, with tears in his eyes.

We shared a hug in the car. We weren’t very close, but this drive had brought us together. As we entered the house, Mom was upstairs, and my brothers were watching TV and finishing homework. I went straight to my room, plopped on my bed and thought about my fear, my accomplishment and my newfound power.

I’d been terrified of driving, but Daddy pushed me to do it. He believed in me and helped me believe in myself. Somehow, I found my strength.

A few weeks later, Daddy went to the eye doctor hoping he could have more laser treatments to improve his vision, but the doctor told him he was legally blind.

He hired a driver that day.

I passed my driving test the next month. From then on, I only drove my mother’s car.


Dr. Nancy J Rennert is a deaf physician, Chief Endocrinologist at Norwalk Hospital, CT. She is exploring creative nonfiction writing focusing on medicine, disability, family and the intersection of all three domains. Prior publications in Cool Beans Lit and Pulse–Voices from the Heart of Medicine.

The Farm, Three Months After Dad’s Death

Poetry by Claudia Kessel

Paint chips off the deck
Bare feet smear sun across wood
A melting of hours

Orange, nameless barn cat
slinks between blue hydrangeas
Day drifts to evening

Something splinter-sharp
slices August’s humid breath:
Cicada vibration

Trucks speed the backroads
Launching from lily to lily
bees zip across faces

Black walnut fingers
release twittering sparrows
Limbs curtsy in wind

My son collects eggs
from the white-rimmed chicken coop
His life has not changed

Abandoned silo
Mourning dove’s alto lament
Swallow’s coloratura

Mulberries scatter
Stain the gravel indigo
Wasps inspect new jewels

My fingers trace keys
of his Baldwin piano
Ivory absent of his broad thumbs

Only when I sing
alone by his piano
do I un-trap myself from myself

Sunset’s greasy smudge
Not necessarily happiness
Neither unhappiness

Green dappled stillness
No one in particular
loves me today

In his gray armchair
at dawn, with coffee and cat
Scent lingers in cloth

Slippers empty of feet
A cane leans against the chair
How much of him in me

My body breathes here
in the home of pine and glass
he dreamed, built, and died in


Claudia Kessel works as a grant writer and musician in Williamsburg, Virginia. Her poetry has been published in Richmond Magazine as a finalist in the 2021 Shann Palmer Poetry Contest, awarded by James River Writers, in the 2024 Poetry Society of Virginia anthology, and in various literary journals.

a whatever-hair day

Poetry by Miguel Rodríguez Otero

i love to do my daughter’s hair before school,
give it a little brush, loosen the knots
that form during the night, then maybe braid it
so it looks neat and brand-new.

she’s too young to know,
so i explain to her that braiding is not a tie,
it’s more like a bond that can easily be undone
but is meant to hold the hair together,
like us holding hands to the bus,
untangled and brand-new.

as if together was something permanent
or even desirable.

she complains her hair is too frizzy,
but i’d love her to feel that such a bond exists,
that the connection is real and permanent,
desirable, even if one misses the bus
and is late to class.

the bus pulls up and the door swings open.
my daughter grabs my hand, then tugs me along.
i wave good-bye and await the moment
she comes home for dinner,
clothes dirty and hair all messed up.


Miguel Rodríguez Otero’s poems appear in Red Fern Review, Wilderness House Literary Review, Scapegoat Review, Last Leaves Magazine, The Bluebird Word, DarkWinter Literary Magazine, The RavensPerch and Feminine Collective. He likes walking country roads and is friends with a heron that lives in the marsh near his home.

Blue June, Slight Breeze

Poetry by Brian Builta

At the Stapleton concert I become
one clap after another, a whooo,
a dervish of hollers and whups,
a disembodied scream. This happens
on occasion. As the fatherless son
and the sonless father, Father’s Day
is a trigger, my poor poor daughter.
Sometimes her father goes missing
right in front of her, missing his chair
and sprawling on the arena floor.
So far, I’ve always come back, so far.
Truth: incarnation is overrated,
yammering emotions running amuck,
saltwater on the cheek, thunderclap
weighing down the chest. My little
private tornado feels so good, so
delightfully destructive and harmless.
Of course, next day I’m a truck-flattened
squirrel. Energy has its consequences.
Stapleton can only get you so far
before the gravity of the empty letter jacket
in the hall returns, reminding your life
is now angry bees rising from bitter honey,
where the best therapies are leaves
murmuring free from any standard-issue tree
as long as there’s a breeze.


Brian Builta lives in Arlington, Texas, and works at Texas Wesleyan University in Fort Worth. His poetry has been published most recently in Freshwater Literary Journal, Meridian, and Red Ogre Review. More of his poetry can be found at brianbuilta.com.

Early Harvest

Nonfiction by Margaret Morth

The print date on the black-and-white’s border says “Aug 60,” and that might well be spot on. Film processing was an extra cost in a household that afforded no extras, and our family photos were taken with deliberation, usually by my father. A roll of film could sit in the camera for quite some time. But here the corn is far enough along that I’m checking it for ripeness, so I’ll call it: late July-early August 1960. At that time in northern plains summer when everyone’s taste buds hum in anticipation of the first steaming platter of yellow-gold corn on the cob.

I hadn’t considered before who took the photo. But now it seems obvious that it was my brother, two years my senior, using the little “Brownie” camera that had mostly replaced the bulky, fussy flash cameras of our 1950s photos, birthdays and Christmas. Dad didn’t want us handling anything that could break or get mussed up, but the Brownie—casual, inexpensive, ubiquitous in its time—was of another, easier-going state of being. And my brother, longer-schooled in how not to upset our father, had access to this companionable camera, and took it out into our little world.

My father and I, together on a summer day. That sounds simple, ordinary enough. Though for us this is a singular moment, and that it was caught out of time is extraordinary too.

I am a month shy of my seventh birthday. My long French braids are pinned up in the warmth of summer. Already evident are the long arms and large hands, mark of the big-boned paternal line that bred me. It’s hard to see, but my father is smiling slightly, maybe talking about the ear of corn I’ve singled out. My face is hidden but the set of my head and my hands about to enfold the chosen ear show an intentness, a seriousness about something important to get right. Dad looks relaxed, pleased even. That in itself makes this a moment apart.

It must have been a Sunday, otherwise he wouldn’t have been with us in the middle of the day and not in work clothes. Still, it seems notable that he’d spend his brief time of leisure with us like that, just hanging out. Maybe that’s why my brother snapped the shutter. Aware of rarity, he documented it.

Throughout my childhood and beyond, “relaxed” was not a word often connected with my father. Later in life I realized that he, like his siblings and parents, struggled with what people didn’t have words for back then. Moody, they’d say, nervous. He’s such a nervous one. That tribe are all moody, you know. The hounds of anxiety and depression stalked them throughout their lives and passed into generations.

But not on this summer day in 1960. I can almost hear him, his voice low and easy: That’s a nice one, peel a little from the top, just a peek. No wonder I was so intent, almost reverent.

Dad is wearing his American Legion T-shirt, white with dark blue accents. Years later I found the shirt in a drawer, long packed away. I asked Dad if I could have it. He seemed surprised but said sure, take it. It was worn pretty thin by then but still up for the beer runs, impromptu volleyball games, and happy hour bars of college life. It had a good second run. I wish I had it now, even the remaining tatters of it.


Since retiring from a career in the nonprofit sector, Margaret Morth is immersed in a long-held passion for writing. Her work has appeared in Under the Sun, The RavensPerch, and TulipTree Review. Originally from North Dakota, she resides in Brooklyn NY, her adopted home of many years.

At the Dive Bar After Thanksgiving

Nonfiction by Olivia McGill

We were at a bar with my partner Sam’s friends. Cal showed up late in the night. I hadn’t seen him in a while but heard how things were going for him. His wife kicked him out for the sake of their seven-year-old daughter. He was crashing at his woodshop.

His dark hair was grown out and slicked back. He wore his normal outfit, basically an Ace Ventura getup with a Hawaiian shirt and teal pants. With his good looks, it used to seem quirky, almost cool. But now, the overall effect was nauseating. He was no longer parodying a slimeball. He was one. His shirt was unbuttoned halfway down his chest, and his normally tan, toned skin looked clammy.

Of course, the presence in people’s eyes is different when they’re on drugs. Distant. Wandering. But it was more than that. His eyes looked wider, slyer, his eyebrows more arched. I wasn’t shaken, per se, but had that subtle feeling that his arrival was doing something to my brain, somewhere deep in the engine room, where I couldn’t quite reach it.

“I like your sweater,” he said as he pulled at someone’s sleeve. “I love your hair,” he told me, his too-close gaze hooking into me as I tried to smile and turn away at the same time.

I tracked his movements as he hovered around the bar, bouncing from one group to the next, his unwantedness not registering for him. He slunk into the booth behind ours, and I tried to carry on a conversation but felt his presence above my head. He spilled a stranger’s drink. Then he slowly climbed over the booth wall, pried Sam and me apart, and sat in between us, his intense eye contact ping-ponging back and forth.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Sam asked. Cal had a new girlfriend who looked like his wife but who was annoying. “She’s in Mass…,” Cal said wistfully, reminding me of my father. The self-pitying tone of the addict during the holidays. Just a few days before, my dad sent me a text asking, “what u doin for thanksgiving.” I knew it meant all his buddies were with their families.

I wanted to ask Cal about his daughter but didn’t, unsure of what it might trigger in him. I didn’t know how often he saw her. And anyway, it was clear that he was not identifying as a father at that moment. It was like I was watching a different angle of my dad’s life, the one where he parties and doesn’t think about his children. I was in the role of the friend instead of the daughter. It wasn’t happening to me. It was happening to another little girl. I thought of who the friends might have been. The ones who thought of me as they watched my dad stumble and wander.

I’ve been through a lot of therapy. Sam told me a while back that Cal’s wife is in AlAnon. That’s the one where you know an alcoholic or addict. I’m in the one for people who were raised by them. I wonder if their little girl will end up in the same program, working to undo all the damage being inflicted on her despite the efforts of the single mother.

The funny thing about having an addict for a father is you don’t usually have a clear picture of what you missed out on. And when you see it, fathers in white collars coming home at the same time every day, taking their girls on outings, talking with them lucidly, you think it’s “icky.” It’s “too tender.”

And then. After you’ve accepted what happened to you and grieved what you missed out on. After you’ve learned to stop expecting anything from him. After you’ve found your own source of stability, joy, and love and have seen a glimpse of who you are despite him. After all that, you end up at a bar and a friend shows up and it’s him. It’s your father, twenty-five years ago, woodshop and all. Just switch out the Hawaiian shirt for a cowboy hat.

And part of you can’t help but think, “Stop everything. We can’t let this happen again. There must be something we can do.” But everyone just shakes their heads and exchanges looks. And the daughter remains unmentioned. And you keep thinking, “Something should come of this.” And nothing does.


Olivia McGill is from Hell’s Kitchen and lives in Brooklyn. She writes for a consulting firm and volunteers with Showing Up for Racial Justice. You can read her work in Danse Macabre, Ant vs. Whale, and The Adult Children of Alcoholics blog. She is working on a book-length memoir.

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